I have a feeling I am not the only one who blogs about the good and takes the frustration and disappointment to the journal. I hope so, or else my life is pretty depressing compared to all those who seem to constantly be on vacation, eat gourmet foods, and attend theme parties.
I have been really discouraged lately. And I am blogging about it.
I felt (feel?) like there is a reason we moved to Kentucky. There has to be, right? Why else did we move across the country, leave friends and family, and a culture and community that we were involved and accepted in?
Well, obviously the reason we moved was for employment - a pretty good reason, but I hope and pray that we can also inform and educate people about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and what we believe.
It has been hard.
Hard to do, and hard to not be discouraged.
I mean, how much can I really do? 98% of my life is spent within the walls of my own home. I leave my house to go to Sam's Club, Wal-Mart, TJ Max, and the walking trail.
There is literally one other stay-at-home Mormon mom in our branch/city/county/tri-state area. I have abused her and her willingness to watch my kids, but she only has one daughter and she does have extended family in the area so we have gotten to a point where the ratio of her watching my four kids to me watching her one child has to be about 10:1. (Let the record show, she is an amazing friend. Without her here, I really don't know what I would do... but I want her to be my friend - not my free babysitter, and I can see the overuse of the latter leading to the degradation of the former.)
Over the summer I had a good talk with my friends and college roommates about how the Church seems to be off the grid in this area. I expressed my frustration in the situation and how I hoped that our area could be included in the Church's media efforts like this and this.
My roommate's grandfather is Elder Ballard, who just so happens to be over media, and she said she would have a chat with him.
A glimmer of hope? Yes.
Unfortunately the response wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.
Elder Ballard communicated how difficult and expensive it would be to take media campaigns to every little area of the country, and that I could make a difference by being an example and by being involved in the community, especially if I were willing to run for positions such as city council. (Are you laughing at the thought of this? I am. "Valerie Johnson for City Council!" I can see it now.)
This response literally brought me to tears. Remember how I am pretty confined to my home and my child care resources are limited?
Before even hearing this, I had made it a goal to be more involved in Riley and Macie's school this year. I at least wanted to be able to work something out so I could go volunteer in their classes once a week - something that has never seemed so difficult before. The more I try to work out the logistics of it, the more unrealistic it seems -- to just be a classroom volunteer! How horrible is that? I've never felt so helpless before.
Enter thoughts of ineffectiveness.
It's not that I feel a duty to share my beliefs, but I really would like people to know what I know. I would love for my kids to have friends who share our beliefs. And I really would like to help at the school, dang-it!
It's been a rough week. My kids seem to fight constantly. Our family motto for the year, "Be kind and Loving", has not been embraced by the children.
This week Riley told me, and I quote, "You're just not the mother I had hoped for!"
Carver is teething and unusually ornery.
Macie is uncharacteristically mean after using up all her obedience and sweetness at school.
Charlotte whines all day long. I have come to realize that she would be an incredibly happy child if I let her watch TV and eat snacks all day. But I don't. And she whines and cries about it all day.
A part of me wants to give in. PBS and fruit snacks all day...she would be happy and I would be happy. But another part of me continues to try and force her in to stimulating activities with me like play-doh, water paints and books, because that's what good moms do, right???
I don't know, but it has been too much this week.
The topic of our influence and involvement came up in Relief Society and I expressed my frustration. One sister made a comment directed at me. She said, "Valerie, you need to remember that what you do within the walls of your home is influencing your children, and that is huge. It makes a difference to them and to future generations."
Well, that is just what I needed to hear. I know that, but I needed to be reminded of it. Especially when it seems like everything I say and teach is completely ignored. When they are down-right disrespectful and naughty, I have to remind myself that I am making a difference in their lives.
I can't give up.
One day I will see the fruits of my labors. Please.
So, you won't see me running for city council, but I have a stack of pass along cards in my purse in case anyone wants to strike up conversation at Sam's Club.
I may not be able to work out a situation where I can go into the school, but I will keep plugging away at my own kids in my own home.
Wish me luck.
Then say a prayer or two in my behalf.
11 comments:
Valerie, that is hard. I know, I struggle with that stuff too daily sometimes. I loved reading this post, it was interesting and you wrote it well. You really have a gift of having people want to be drawn to you. So maybe you will be a blessing there! I know it! Now I will go and try to calm myself down as I found a large glue bottle empty in Nathan's room--and his room covered in glue...
I feel ya, Val. Paul and I have conversations about our future being like that all the time. No other mormon kids for our future children, a branch instead of a ward, feeling like we can't even get his family to come to church with us, let alone strangers from Sam's club! It can be VERY discouraging. All we can do is have faith, pray A LOT, and be willing to listen to and act on promptings from the spirit. Sometimes it feels like a losing battle, but other times we see the rewards. Just keep at it and we will keep you and your family in our prayers! xoxo
I understand from growing up in a non LDS community and it does have pros and cons. Sorry I missed your call on Saturday. I know this is difficult and just like with Mark's treatments or when Kara K was going through rehab-it sucks in the moment!! Hindsight is always better and looking back you will be able to see the reason you are there. Hopefully you are planting seeds in the hearts of many. I hope you are able to get in the school more. Thanks for sharing your true feelings!! Call me anytime!!
Oh Val, I'm sorry it has been a rough week! Not being able to see the reasons for how things are happening in our lives can sure be tough and frustrating. You and Margie could start a club right now! :) You are such a good person and a good mommy, and I am SOOOOO glad that that sister in your RS expressed that sentiment on behalf of all of us who weren't there! Hang in there, and know that there are lots and lots of us in the west who love you and are rooting for you! <3
Dear Val: Just came home to fix a flat on my old bike. The Suburban is in the shop getting a new radiator & needed the transportation. Mom said "need to read Val's blog." I guess we all need to face a little adversity in our lives. The men get to spend 2 years being mostly rejected as missionaries. I guess the women get their challenges with the children. Be comforted in knowing your family loves you! Keep up the good work and keep smiling. Love. DAD
I cannot think of one thing to advise and say it's gonna get better maybe it's better that I can just say I completly understand. Last night we basically had a Family lecture night intead of Family home evening about being nice to each other. I have given up a few times and PBS & fruit snacks have overcome...those are the days I say I am gonna do better tomorrow.
We've talked about it before and there is a reason you are there. I can't think of anyone more capable. Can't wait to see "valerie Johnson for city council". Love ya!
If your blog is always this depressing, I'm not going to keep reading it! :P
I say don't worry so much about it. You control what you can and let the rest fall in place.
I hope that this week has been better for ya! I am sure it is hard to come back after spending such fun times with family. Then it makes you wonder why you are so far and why you are there in the first place. We go through that every time we go "home" for a visit. One thing that I have really tried hard to do is to stop comparing my life in Idaho and my life away. It is so easy to think back to only the positive things of being there and not all the regular everyday challenges that I struggled with there too. Also when I get down about things I remember the cool experiences and miracles that came along with deciding to move and then going. It helps to know that the Lord has confidence in you to do what you need to do. He also wants you to have happiness and will help you find it.
I read this post a few days ago and having been thinking about it all week. Thanks for sharing! Good luck! Keep your chin up and I will be thinking of campaign slogans for you!
So, this probably won't be too encouraging, but we've spent the last 8 years in New Mexico wondering what the purpose is. Someday we hope to know.
Thanks for the encouragement, guys. This week is much better - I don't know what it was, but last week was a total downer. There are so many good things about being here...I really do love and enjoy it. Of course, I will always miss "home", but I am sure that if we moved back there are plenty things about KY I would miss, too.
Jessie, you are very right! Thanks for reminding me!
Jared, huh. I've decided that our purpose here is to have a life. A job. Friends. Food on the table. Nothing more, nothing less. Much less stressful :)
Keep your head up Val - I can't comprehend how hard it would be to live in a community that is not 99% LDS. But I do comprehend the trials of children. I wish we lived by you so we could help each other out. Love you guys.
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